Reminiscence
by Silent Dirge
Summary: ONE SHOT. PonyboyJohnny slash. Nothing graphic; just angst. It takes place at the funeral, Pony's point of view.


**"Reminiscence."**  
  
**Song Muse:** "Labyrinth" by Pierrot.  
**Warning:** Angst, boyboy pairing. You've been warned.  
  
This is a ONE SHOT. Pony thinking back, looking over Johnny at the funeral...yeah. Ponyboy/Johnny. Inspired by the only fic to ever make me cry (six times, holy spoon), the infamous One Big Love.   
  
...Nothing else to say. Just read.   
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
_Changed into our burial clothes,  
And lined up side by side.  
The mirror which shows only the living,  
Does not reflect you. _  
  
It's a sunny day today, with only a few wisps of cloud in the wide blue sky. As we drive, there's a park full of children playing, not a care in the world. They are happy, naive, innocent. I wish I could feel like that now...and during the days gone past. It hurts; hurts so bad I can no longer feel anything. Everything is monochrome to me, even the warm golden glow of the sunsets.  
  
No one is talking, as we don't like to mention it. But we all know, we all feel it. The gloomy aura hovering in the air, as we approach. And I wonder, is Dally with you now? Are you both happy? Have you found out how much Dally really cared about you?  
  
...And have you forgotten me? I pray you haven't.  
  
Sodapop tripped and fell getting out of the car, but nobody laughed, or made a joke. Steve, grim-faced as usual, helped him up, Soda muttering a almost silent 'Thanks buddy." to him. Even Two-Bit's normally grinning face is blank, grey eyes dark and heavy like a cloud full of rain. But none are in pain like I am.  
  
They didn't love you like I did.  
  
They all know, and never said anything about it. They never will, and I know they won't even attempt to make fun of me; Darry and Soda won't let them infect my wounds. Not like it'll matter; they'll never heal. I'll keep existing, holding back my tears. Living this shell of a life.  
  
Why do greasers have it so hard?  
  
Not many people are here; just the gang, Two-Bit's mom and sister, and Tim Shepard, who came to see Dally one last time. Looks likes he's the last of his breed; but the way Tim is, that probably won't be the case for very much longer. He'll end up the same as Dally.  
  
Good ol' Dallas. Always got what he wanted.  
  
Not much is being said; no one's smiling, except Tim, standing over Dally's open coffin. He's grinning, despite himself. How can he smile?   
  
"Dallas, you're a goddamn idiot. Guess you really liked that kid, eh?" His voice is low, as he talks to the cold face of Dally. I realize he is grinning to hide his feelings. Whatever the case, I look away, towards the gang. Soda's crying again, Steve holding him with an expression of sadness on his normally hard face. Darry looks as he always does, leaning against a nearby wall; I sometimes wish I could be stoic like him. Two-Bit's crying too, to my surprise; those rainclouds finally broke. Silent tears.  
  
Why can't I cry too?  
  
Two-Bit notices me watching him, and turns his red-haired head to face me. He grins, those tears still streaming in glistening rivers. "Pony, you look like you don't care. I thought you and Johnny we're kissin' buddies." He's trying to make me laugh, but I can't. I feel nothing anymore.   
  
_When I went to touch your pale dead face   
Cradled in my arms, you were smiling.   
Tonight I will try again to finish the atonement you left to me   
Now, with these hands of mine._  
  
"Why don't we go...see him together?" His eyes seem to lighten a little, and a nod I solemn reply. His grin fades slightly, as he realizes I would have anyways. He places an arm around my shoulder, and turns to give Darry a glance. Darry understands, and nods. The nineteen year old is practically pushing me along; but I'll get there on my own.  
  
Two-Bit grins again, and it almost seems sincere; he leans against the open coffin slightly, and tilts his head in a curious manner. "You know Johnny, you could have at least smiled. You did alot of great things..." Two-Bit's voice trails off and squeaks, as he's on the verge of tears again. I always thought he couldn't cry, but I guess you've proved him wrong.  
  
Darry gave Two-Bit a look, and the redhead turned to look at me. He left, leaving me to glance down at your cold, dead face. But I know, my face is as cold as yours now, so maybe I shouldn't talk.  
  
"..." My hand trembles ever so slightly as I reach out to run my thumb across your scar; I used to stroke you there all the time, long ago. Your skin used to be warm and soft; now it's ice cold, like concrete in winter.  
  
_I ran my finger along your tightly closed purple lips,  
And I felt them.  
Tonight I will try again to finish the atonement you left to me,   
Now, with these hands of mine._  
  
As I look at you, your face almost relaxed, I know you're happier now. No one to scream at you, jump you, or beat you up; you don't have to be afraid anymore. But I wonder, are you happy without me? You always said, in all those times we cuddled by the fire in the lot, or in that cold old church, that I meant the world to you.  
  
Would you be happy if I joined you?  
  
I run my trembling hand over your ice-cold, tightly sealed lips, and they're as soft as I remember them. You always tasted nice, and your gentle kisses made my heart skip a beat. Are you warm where you are, in your jean jacket, with your thick, over-greased hair all messy as usual? Are you watching me this very second?  
  
I lean down, and everyone watches as I give you a last kiss on those cold lips. It's that moment, staring at your closed eyes, which used to be so full of fear for the world, and love for me, that I decide.  
  
"Don't worry Johnny...I'll be with you again soon." I say to you, in a tone so quiet I can barely hear it myself.  
  
And I almost thought I saw you cry.  
  



End file.
